It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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