I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
