when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
