Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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