I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
