and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
