i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
