i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
