the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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