Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
