I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
