so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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