I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Rumble strips road head = magical
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Someone came in the potted fern
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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