I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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