When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
