11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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