the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
