my phone needs a breathalizer
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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