i jhust puked up my retainher.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
