GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
