So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
