I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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