I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Enjoy the penises
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
