the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
