my phone needs a breathalizer
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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