Your dad touched me again.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
