does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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