i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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