i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
