i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Enjoy the penises
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
