I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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