Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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