I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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