Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
