You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
