Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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