I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
