I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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