new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
