Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
