Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
