Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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