You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
