got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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