I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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