Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So many bounce houses so little time
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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