I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
