anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
