Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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