Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
