His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
