At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
