those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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