Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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