i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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