I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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